Post so random...

To say I am exhausted would be a huge understatement.  I am beyond tired, so much so that my body aches with fatigue.  The weekend we had in Plainview celebrating Mother's Day and Zoe's birthday really took it's toll on us.  We are all still trying to recover which has resulted in more than a few melt-downs in this house.

I really did enjoy our visit back in Plainview.  Though we no longer consider Plainview our "home" we still enjoy getting to see our family, especially when we have the time to visit everyone and not be rushed.

Zach and I took advantage of the six hours with little radio reception to talk to one another, really talk, which isn't something we are able to do very often.  We talked about a lot of things - our future, our visions for our ministry, the paths that led us to where we are now, and where we see God working in our lives.  What a great relief to know that we are both on the same page on most of these issues.  I really have found my soul mate.

Another great moment was when we got to share some of these revelations with our dear "sister" (not by blood but brought together by God) Erin.  I can not wait to see what God has in store for her and her future husband.

Keeping on with the randomness of this post I would encourage you all to read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.  I have only made it through about half of this book but I think about it often.  It's not the type of book I would usually read but I am glad I picked it up.

Zoe had a great birthday.  She got to have a sleepover with her cousins, something which she has been asking for for a long time, and eat lots of cake.  So much so that she was turning down ice cream.  I think she is struggling with the idea of being five and therefore, a "really big girl."  The other night she was watching as I went to check on Noah after he fell asleep for the night (at 5:30 - I told you we had a rough weekend).  She noted how I arranged his pillows and moved somethings around and then tucked his blanket around him.  Later that night as I was putting her to bed she asked,"Mom, will you do with my blanket and pillows what you did with Noah?"  I complied, though it wasn't necessary, and she was pacified.  Last night when we told her to go to bed she asked again,"Mom, will you do to me what you do to Noah when you check on him?"  Again I complied. 

This got me thinking, though we grow older and less dependent on others sometimes we need to know that if we need it, someone will be there to take care of us.  Sometimes we need to know that even when we don't need it, someone is there to let us know we are loved and cared for.

My heart is full and here's hoping yours is too.

My "really big girl."

Zoe Noel

Today is Zoe's birthday.  Just like I did with Noah I thought I would take this time to document her birth story.

Being pregnant with Zoe was a trial.  I had morning sickness before I knew I was pregnant and the intense nausea lasted the entire pregnancy.  I couldn't even think about food without getting sick.  I tried everything to make it better.  Finally, my mom found biobands online and ordered me some.  Though it didn't eliminate my sickness I did find relief enough to eat.

I remember with clarity the day we found out Zoe was a girl.  Zach was certain we would have a boy.  He was counting on having a boy.  When we went in for the ultrasound I was looking at my husband instead of the screen when the doctor made that announcement.  The look of horror on Zach's face was so clear.  We got in the car after the appointment and sat in silence.  I was secretly ecstatic but I could tell Zach wasn't so much.  It took a while but finally he got over some of his fears.

The morning of the day Zoe made her arrival Zach got up early and left for work.  I was a week before my due date.  I was awoken by a phone call from my former boss asking if I would come back to work for him after the baby was born if he allowed me to work part-time.  Still laying in bed I called my mom to tell her that news.  I was feeling good, energetic, ready to take on the world and get cracking on that to-do list I wanted to complete before baby arrived.  I got out of bed to hop in the shower and my water broke.  Immediately I called Zach and couldn't reach him.  Then I called my mom.  "Mom, I think my water just broke."  Mom: "What do you mean you think?! Call the doctor!" 

I called my doctor and was told to get to the hospital and then tried calling Zach again.  Finally I tracked him down and told him that today we were having a baby.  While waiting for him to get here I checked my bag, gathered my toiletries and was thinking about taking a shower when Zach arrived.  Zach came home: "What are you doing? We have to get going!" Me: "I want to shower first." Zach: "Are you crazy? We are having a baby! We have to get going!!"

Yeah, we lived about 1 minute from the hospital.  I was having no contractions.  I didn't get my shower...

Once in the hospital they started me on pitocin since I was not dilated or having any other labor symptoms.  Holy Cow, when those contractions started!  Labor was hard and I had problems delivering Zoe.  My last push was going to be my last regardless if she came or not. Zoe Noel Bechtold was born that evening at around 6:30. Her little head was blistered from the vacuum and I was completely exhausted.  I had to stay in the delivery room much longer than usual because I kept losing consciousness and I didn't get to hold my daughter until the next day.  I also didn't get to have my shower until the next evening.

The first two weeks of precious Zoe's life was (I hate to admit) the hardest days of my life.  I was having a difficult recovery, I wasn't producing enough milk to satisfy Zoe, and she never stopped crying.  I went days without any sleep and I truly experienced post-partum depression before we got her feedings figured out and things levelled out. 

Those two weeks of misery now seem trivial when I look into my love's face.  She was a very good baby.  Very happy, always smiling.  I can't imagine what my life would be life without her in it.

Five years later I can see the young woman my daughter is going to grow into be.  She is so compassionate, empathizing with everyone she encounters.  She is dramatic, feeling things so intensely.  She is stubborn, refusing to budge on what she thinks.  She is so much like her mother.

I am so proud of Zoe.  I can't wait to see her continue to mature and blossom.  Happy birthday, my sweet, loving, silly girl.  I love you!

Zoe one day old.

Happy Zoe at 2 months.

Little diva.

YOLO

YOLO. I know most of you are very familiar with this acronym.  It's very popular with the younger generations.  I first saw it popping up in my facebook news feed and, being more unhip than I thought, had no idea what it meant.  I actually had to Google it to find out it means "you only live once."  It's a great life motto, if you use it correctly.  Unfortunately, many people choose to use this saying as a justification of doing anything that they want.  "You only live once so what if I do this incredibly stupid thing?"  "You only live once so what if I do something that hurts another person?"  Yeah, you get the idea.

For me, and I assume many others, this is simply a reminder to not take those things/people/experiences in our lives for granted.  It's trendy, and to certain hipsters it's probably taboo, but, to remind ourselves that we only have this one life to live can encourage us to make better choices.  Something that I came across while teaching Confirmation (in fact it may have been quoted once in some sermon here recently) is that if you leave this place without having made at least one change to make it better then you did not live up to your life's purpose.  We all have a purpose in life, to love as Jesus has taught us to love.  We never know when it's our time to leave this world, or, for that matter, when it's time for someone else to leave this world.  Why should we put off for tomorrow the good we can do today?

There's a news story floating about that I'm sure has many others like me reaching for the tissue.  It's the story of the little baby who's parents were told she didn't have long to live.  They created a bucket list for her short little life which, unfortunately, ended much too soon.  Here's a link to the article if you haven't seen it.  It's a heart breaking story and I can't imagine what her parents must be going through.  I know if it were me I would probably be wallowing in "what-ifs" and regrets over every wasted moment I had with my child.

Disaster can happen at any moment to any one of us.  Each moment we have with someone we care about could be our last.  What regrets would you have if something happened tomorrow to one of your loved ones?

My sweet little girl is going to be five on Friday.  I can't believe how quickly time has gone and I know that before I know it I will be posting pictures of her Senior Prom on Facebook (or it's equivalent in 12 years).  Already I have regrets of time wasted with my little girl.  Weeks go by and I haven't used the time with my family wisely.  We let our lives go by in a blur of business and have nothing to show for it.  We spend our days working, cleaning, running around crazy, and when we have the chance to just "be" with our family we spend it sprawled in front of the tv or snapping at our kids who are vying for our attention.  Opportunities to be with those we care about are wasted.

Tonight after an evening of Zach and I going our different ways for work we were able to meet up at McAllisters for supper.  There we were, sitting outside on the patio, eating as a family, enjoying the perfect weather and watching the sun go down behind the mountains.  It was perfectly peaceful and I fully appreciated that moment with my family.

You Only Live Once.  Are you wasting your life or are you making the most of the gift of time that has generously been given to everyone of us? 

May you always see your blessings for what they are and never take them for granted...

Just life

Let me start out by saying I love Netflix instant streaming.  This week while I have been taking it easy on my back, Netflix has been a sanity saver.  Lots and lots of Bones, Psych, and the Office. 

This week has been the "home-stretch" for summer.  Zach has been crazy busy for work closing up the semester but tomorrow is his last scheduled event.  Today the Wesley is having its first annual golf tournament.  This event has been very stressful for Zach and I for one am glad to see it behind us. 

Thursday night we had an open house at Zoe's new school for next year.  She is so excited to be starting Kindergarten, very ready to find out who her new teacher is going to be.  The idea of her starting big girl school next year makes me a little weepy so I try not to think of it too much.

Next week my little girl turns five. FIVE!!  How is that possible?  I asked her what she wanted more than anything for her birthday and she said, "Olive Garden."  We plan to go there Thursday night as we are going to Plainview on Friday for her birthday and Mother's day.  We haven't been back to Plainview since Christmas. 

Last night, after a busy day full of a doctors appointment, errands, shopping, rummage-saling at church, and picking Noah up from school, Zach really wanted a nice, quiet evening to rest.  He was exhausted from helping Travis move and watching the Avengers at midnight the day before.  We cooked out on the grill and then treated the kids to watching a movie in the guest room before bed (we don't allow them to watch tv in there often).  After months of waiting for a good time we decided to finally try and watch Money Ball.  It probably took us three hours to watch the movie because of the constant interruptions from our children.  After the tenth time of having to pause the movie because of the kids I could see the vein starting to pulse in Zach's forehead.  He was not enjoying the trappings of parenthood in that moment.  I scooped up Noah and laughing, took him to his room and put him in bed.  Zach, shaking his head at me said, "I'm glad you think its so funny."  My response was, "Sometimes all you can do is laugh." 

I know that is a cliche thing to say but it's so true.  Life gives us so many interruptions, plans get ruined, messes happen, and those moments of quiet and rest we think we desperately need never seem to turn out the way we want.  We can choose to let those moments bring us down or we can laugh, shake it off, and keep on trucking. 

Here's to some calm during the noise of life, but if that doesn't happen, here's to a sense of humor to keep us sane...

Finding Comfort

I have spoken before of my back problems.  Basically what it comes down to is that I have back pain which is aggravated by certain activities.  I try to stay away from those triggers but, being a mom of 2 little ones, it doesn't always happen.  The information that I have received is that the only medical solution for my back is medication, not something I'm ready to do yet.  So, when it gets bad enough, the only thing that helps is rest.  This was my Monday and most of today.  Not fun and my house is a mess but I have enjoyed my Friends marathon (PIVOT, PIVOT).

I tell you this because I wanted to tell you all about what a wonderful family I have.  I mean, that's not news, they are usually great, but it's times like these that I can see the extra effort they make in order to help me feel better.  For example:

Zoe has a little stuffed pony.  It was a gift that spent the first few months in our home stuffed in some box in the closet.  During a day of cleaning Zoe rediscovered this pony and it has not left her side since.  Most days she even takes it to school where it spends the afternoon soaking up knowledge in Zoe's cubby.  Bedtime can not be achieved until pony (Rainbow Dash if you are on a first name basis with her) is right where she belongs.  To say Zoe loves her pony is an understatement.  My first morning laid up in bed my precious daughter brought me her pony.  She said,"Mommy, Pony always makes me feel better and I want you to feel better so I am going to let you have her."  Zoe tucked pony in right next to me, kissed me on the check and patted me on the head.  Pony stayed by my side until bedtime.  To give Zoe credit, she brought me a "substitution" animal before she took Pony to her bed for the night.

Pony and my little fashionista...

As parents we feel we are always in the comforting role.  Mommy's kisses are what make anything feel better (well, that and a band-aid).  What we never think of is how those hugs and kisses from our precious little-ones are just as therapeutic.  My back is by no means healed, but the actions of my sweet little family certainly comforted me.

Blessings to you on this beautiful day.

I got the joy, joy, joy...somewhere I'm sure...

I usually write when I find myself dwelling on a certain subject or make an observation that I feel bears recording.  It's more of a therapeutic exercise than an expectation that someone reads my thoughts and gains anything from it (though it's a bonus, for sure).  I haven't written lately though because I haven't had the time or energy to dwell on anything but living.  I know we all get that way.  We become consumed with living and we forget to enjoy our life. 

But, isn't it funny, that when I try and look back over the past week or so I can't recall anything that kept me from enjoying life, or should I say, not an activity or event that kept me from finding my joy.  Joy is always there, a quality of life that, for some, is harder to recognize than some other quality.  I'm one of those people.  This may come as a shock to some of you (does sarcasm relay in print?) but I am a pessimist.  In fact, I believe I have spoken before about this trait of mine I have to endure.  It's a part of who I am that I have prayed to have changed.  I would LOVE to be a natural optimist, someone who goes through life with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.  I am SO not that person.  I am a sarcastic, realist/pessimist, that has to make a continual effort to plaster that smile on my face (not always a successful effort, mind you).  So, I can choose to love myself as myself, trying to make positive changes in who I am, or I can choose to dislike who I am and therefore, dislike my life.  I choose the former.  I am who I am.

Life has been difficult lately.  There hasn't been that catalyst or a life-altering event that has occurred.  Just life and all it's toils.  I have two beautiful children that have very strong personalities and are in stages of their development that can make reasoning with them more difficult than usual.  We, as parents, have had to take a step back and reevaluate how we are choosing to handle those difficult situations and make some changes.  This parenting thing is all about adjustments, don't you agree?

We will get through this time, we already are on the uphill side of things, and life will be full of joy again.  I know that, I have faith in that.  Sometimes we just need a little reminder...

Blessings to you on this day.

Simple things...

When you think of your childhood what memories stick out in your mind about your parents?  For me I will always associate my mother with her hands, holding them in church, playing with her rings, the smoothness of her skin, as well as the smell of her perfume.  I find comfort in those memories.  Not too long ago I read this blog that I found on Pinterest.  The blog lists certain things that we should remember to tell our children.  It was reading this list that made me think of what impressions I may be leaving on my children.  What memories of their childhood and, more specifically, of their father and me, will stick with them throughout their lives?  I hope that they will look back with fondness of the relationship I had with them.

I know that I fail my children daily.  In fact there are moments during our day that I say something to them and instantly regret it.  There is also something I am not good at doing, which is saying,"I'm sorry, I was wrong."  Simple words that have a huge impact and yet they are so hard to say. 

I know I need to work on certain things, certain facets of my relationship with Zoe and Noah, but I hope that regardless of anything else, they know how much I love them.  I try not to let them go to sleep without them hearing, "I love you" from their mother.  When Zoe is in trouble and so upset with the consequences she has incurred, I try to remember to let her know that even though I'm not happy with her behavior, that I will love her forever.

This parenting thing is hard and there are so many theories of what we should be doing.  It's impossible to do everything perfect.  All that we can do is to let our kids know we love them and keep on doing our best.  And, when we do fail, work on that whole "apology" thing.

Blessings to you and yours my friends...

That's love right there.