I guess I'm a natural born pessimist...

I was recently perusing Facebook and came across a note written by a "friend" (in quotes because though I went to high school with this person I wasn't really their friend) and it brought up some feelings that I have been struggling with. Recently I was hit hard by watching and reading news about a man who died in an accident at Ranger stadium. Though his death is tragedy enough, what hit me the hardest was that his young son was with him. I can't imagine what his son is going to struggle with for the rest of his life. It struck me how much tragedy is in the world and how little I have personally experienced. Now, while a naturally optimistic person would simply count their blessings and move on, I am left with the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Certainly I realize how truly blessed I am and am thankful everyday for those blessings, but I can't shake the feeling that something terrible can happen at any moment. For example, yesterday we met Zach's brother in Witchita Falls to give him the kids to take to Plainview. Even though I was thankful that we didn't have to drive the entire distance to Plainview ourselves I had the thought of "what would happen if he was involved in a car accident with my children on board." My life could come tumbling down around me in an instance, just one bad decision, one second of carelessness...

At the beginning of the year Zach and I found out we were pregnant. I was excited and terrified at the same time. Another baby to love and cherish... I remember talking with my mother over the phone a few weeks into the pregnancy and expressing concern over the health of this baby. In my mind I struggled with the fact that I had had two healthy pregnancies resulting in two healthy babies...no problems, no losses... How could I be so lucky? What was it about me that I should be so fortunate when all over the world people are struggling with tremendous loss every moment of every day? Unfortunately my worries were founded as we did loose that pregnancy a few weeks later.

I don't know what answers I am trying to find by blogging about this except for maybe some release of my own inner angst... I will continue to pray for the safety of my loved ones and not dwell on the tragedies that I imagine could happen to me...